Thoughts For Monday

Sitting here, basking in the glow of post-surgical pain killers, I thought it would be useful to post something inspiring.  Maybe you're at work.  Or maybe you're looking for work.  Perhaps you're studying.  Who knows, you could just be trying to figure out how some Portuguese guys playing soccer could make you feel so blue.  But whatever the reason, if you're feeling a little out of step, take a minute to win.  It doesn't have to be huge; maybe you reviewed Torts for an hour longer than usual or managed to draft a typo-free brief.  A win could be as simple as a fistful of free Splenda or getting through that first glass of win without crying.  It's all valid.

What I'm saying is: Win this week.  Win the whole fuckin' thing.  Tell your shitty boss or the shitty HR person who won't call you back or the shitty NCBE or the shitty world's greatest soccer player/model/millionaire that they can have last month or last year, but this week is yours.  Pull a Clint Dempsey and air hump this week into the back of the net.

I know you can do it.

How You Might Feel After Taking the First Practice MBE

Oof.

Don't Underestimate Mnemonic Ballads

Okay Barriors, it's the time of year when mnemonics start making up a big part of your life.  Some are better than others, like MIMIC for exceptions to admissibility of character evidence (motive, intent, mistake, identity, and common scheme) or FUBAR (I don't need to explain it - you're living it).  You know, the classics that sum up common situations.  But mnemonics can be sooooo boring, right?  Peeugh stinky!  That's when you need a catchy tune get your toes tapping and your mind working!  Unfortunately, I couldn't find any of those, so try some of these out in case you were looking for a late night video of people who have been warped by the practice of law into beings that almost act like people.

Insanity Defense:  BARBRI hoodie and crazy eyes tells me were learning with someone intimately associated with the subject matter:

Hearsay Exceptions:  If you think about it, Legos are a lot like the bar exam: if you can't figure how stuff fits together, you're going to be tempted to smash the shit out of that thing that took forever to work on and currently looks less like the Death Star and more like an autistic kid's 3D rendition of a smile.

The Ballad of the CPLR:  Sure New Yorkers, you'll have a hard copy of the Civil Practice Law and Rules that you'll be able to consult when you're an admitted attorney, but who knows when some obscure reference that you picked up while memorizing material for the Bar will pop in an save the day!  Never.  The answer is never.

So that's it.  Next time you're in a jam and can't make a fact stick in your memory just set it to song!  If you do, please make a video so we can all learn from it.

*the exception is this commercial! which should be watched over and over again.

Warning: Some Strippers May Be Dishonest

Only one of these people looks like a stripper, and it ain't the lady.  

This isn't legal news per se, but it does involve some things lawyers love: money and people degrading themselves... for money.  Seems like strippers at NYC club have been drugging and robbing patrons.  If you've been to a strip club before, you probably know this is more or less par for the course ($15 bud bottle say what?).   According to reports, strippers would go on "fishing expeditions" in Manhattan in order to find dupes to drug and then lure to clubs like Scores.  Which begs the question:  does a guy need to be drugged in order to be taken to a strip club by a strange lady?  That sounds less like the theory from a charging document and more like the beginning of some terrible erotica.

One "victim" is alleged to have racked up a $130k tab which he refuses to pay, as he was unwilling to give consent while hopped up drugs, booze, and whatever lotion strippers use to fade caesarean scars.

It's hard to determine who the winner will be when everyone is a loser.  Face.

Enjoy Some Medical Weirdness

Here are some heartwarming stories to help you appreciate all the great things medical professionals do for us.  And then make you throw up right after reading them.

1. THANKS FOR THIS 47 POUND TUMOR, OBAMA.  Seriously, thank you.
2. For the fellas:  read this story if you plan on doing some painting this weekend.  Naked.
3. Super Flu.  That's all you need to know. 

Seize the Day!

Good morning!  Today's your day!  Grab it with all of your hands and feet and pull it into the inky depths.   This is also a great way to make a relationship work.  Not recommended if your day is spent life guarding.

Multiple Choice Conundrum: When You Can Only Narrow it Down to Four Choices

It Has Been Said that there are questions on the MBE that have clawed their way into our world from the nightmarish morass of darkness and kitten death that is the collective consciousness of the question writers for the sole purpose of causing fear and chaos.  Here's an example:

• Farmer Apple keeps bees on his property.  The bees want nothing more than to serve the will of their queen, make honey, and aggressively sting children.  Timmy the Trespassing Tot is on Farmer Apple's land because in addition to all the bees, Farmer Apple collects carnival rides, rides he inexplicably keeps running at all times.  Timmy's mother, Christine Boxo-Wine, is looking for Timmy when the tilt-a-whirl malfunctions and launches angry bees everywhere.  What rule of Evidence best applies to Timmy's testimony in the susbsequent criminal trial?
• A)  Rule 601
• B)  The rules do not apply in these circumstances.
• C)  Ja Rule
• D)  The Laws of 8

This was a real question.  It appeared on the February 2000 MBE (the one everyone walked out of; look it up).  So what do you do when you're stuck?
Popular lore is that when a question  can't be winnowed down to two choices, you should just pick "C."  But why?  The reasoning is that if enough people get the question wrong, the graders will assume that there was a flaw and nullify that particular question.  This was actual avice given to me while I was taking a prep course.

Let's unpack this - about 60,000 people took the July '13 MBE.  Now lets say of the 60k, one quarter of them used the same prep company.  And in May of '13, a big wig at that prep company says enough with Torts.  The guys who teach it are all a pain in the ass and the robots are going to be handling those suits pretty soon, anyway.  "When a Torts question comes up,  just tell people to pick C" is the order he gives to administrators.  And all of the sudden, 15,000 people get every torts question that isn't answer choice C wrong.  Huzzah!  Doc Review jobs for all!*

This is an example of the kind of reasoning you get sucked into while studying for the bar - the "there must be an easier way around this" thinking.  Now, I'm not here to tell you to avoid short-cuts.  I love short cuts.  This might actually work.  If you've ever taken an ADR class, you know there's merit in the idea behind collective action.  BUT... this might also be bullshit.  So this is a strategy that is known and exists, one that depends on a bunch of people also knowing about it.  It also requires the NCBE graders to not know about it.  It also assumes that the policy of nullifying flawed questions is real and not some kind of nerdy urban legend. 

So that's it - the "Chose C" strategy.  Apply at your own peril.



*jk; nobody will get these jobs without three months experience, and three months experience cannot be acquired without a job

From Dread to Elation: Relax - Still 49 Days Until The MBE

As a continuing service to those  studying for the Bar/prepping for unemployment, here's a reminder that there's still a ton of time left before they have to tackle the hardest thing they'll ever have to do with a number 2 pencil (after giving someone an emergency tracheotomy).  So pump the brakes, kid.  There's time.

A Second Amendment Primer

Now that we've had the 74th shooting at a school since Newtown (an admittedly esoteric stat that can get filed under WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?), the staff here thinks you need a quick update on the Amendment that might be second but is TRYING SO HARD you guys.   It's also the one that every guy in a sleeveless Tapout tee claims to know like he's a hillbilly Posner.  Sometimes you meet these guys at a cocktail party/lynching and really want to chat them up.  Here are some tips.

• The Text (for when you're looking for something to compliment that Gadsden Flag that's covering up the swastika tat you gave yourself in juvi):
• A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.
• NOTE:  Nobody cares
• Some Law:
• US v. Miller - Guns for all!
• DC v. Heller - All for guns!
• McDonald v. Chicago - Guns, guns, guns!
• 
  
• Smart People Doing Smart Things With All of This:
• Texas Open Carry :  A fun group to join if your expression of personal freedom falls on the harassment side of things.
• Sovereign citizens: The intellectual equivalent of a junior high Student Council if the nerds and overachievers were ousted by the guys who hung out in the autobody shop to be closer to auto-grade nitrous. 
• The Bundy Ranch:  In case you were wondering, this is where "Liberty lives."  And she's not getting away.  Ever.
• What Some Crotchety Old Men Think:
• Antonin Scalia:  The Framers wanted you to use guns to un-do all the stuff they did.  
• John Paul Stephens:  STFU, Tony.

Now you're a gun expert!  Use this knowledge to spread reason wherever you go.  Or to scare liberals.  

It's Okay to Freak the Fuck Out

Are you feeling stressed?  That's a-okay.  Embrace it.  Seize it like the Fourth Amendment didn't exist.  Just like the police!

Lots of Agony, Not So Much Ecstacy

 If you're studying for the bar, chances are you're feeling a little overwhelmed.  This is a typical response to the stress that comes from realizing you have a few months to learn all of the stuff you missed during law school, like which covenants run with the land or all of criminal procedure.  Here are some handy tips:

1. This too shall pass!  Which means your tribulations will end sooner than you think!  Probably as you're being carted off to a cell at a place where scissor handling is strictly monitored.
2. Look at that ship!  It just keeps going.  Blaragahgahaghgaghghghhhh.  Fun. Tell your friends that this is what it feels like every time you go to a review session.
3. Do you still have friends?  Give that some time.
4. A nice crying jag is a great way to keep people from crowding you on public transportation.
5. If you pass this goddamn thing, you're going to have to actually practice law.  Ugh.

Oh this is fun!  Somebody tell me what subject BarBri is on.  I just want to know how Paula Francese is doing.

Returning From the Depths

Greetings, friends!  Like the many-armed kraken who slumbers in the crushing depths waiting to awaken and signal the End of Days or shill for a mid-range spiced rum, this blog has resurfaced.  Why?  Good question.  It may have something to do with how your faithful editor is experiencing post-law school: by being unemployed.  Or it could be that energies are being marshaled to assist a new batch of prospective attorneys waste time when they're not confronting the mythologically harrowing scourge that is the Bar.  Perhaps this is a False Flag (in case you haven't heard, everything is a False Flag).  Competing theories abound, perpetuated by nobody really.

Anyway, we're back for a while to help you avoid doing something more meaningful, like learning that Adverse Possession statute or representing indigent clients or quietly weeping as yet another resume goes into the electronic ether to be ignored by doc reviewer staffers and firms looking for paralegals (I'm a lawyer!  I can file!).

Prepare for links that have been covered by better blogs, unearned punchlines in the form of animated .gifs, and rants that are more or less pro forma for the unemployed.  Sit in the corner, put your headphones on, and act interested.

Oh, it could be worse!

There are few things practicing attorneys enjoy doing more than recounting how horrific and grueling their preparation for the Bar exam(s) was.  They will tell stories of 10 hour sessions and long, sleepless nights filled with the mysteries of Antitrust.  They tell these stories with a kind of world-weariness that you'd expect from someone that had been in Iraq for many tours, rather than in a library or class room for 10 weeks.  If you know a lawyer (or, God forbid are one) who claims that the bar was hard, give them a good scoffing.  Roll your eyes and bloke smoke from your cigarillo into their face.  Because friends, it used to be worse.

When Professor Hollyfeld took the bar, it was a much different beast than the one today's gormless youth is asked to complete.  Back then, "multiple choice" meant picking a series of doors, behind which a test taker (Testakor) would encounter four strong men, one of whom he would then have to fight.  The term "Bar" came from the long iron cudgel that each Testakor was given in order to dispatch foes.  Later, after hungry dogs and feral cats were added, small darts were given.  These spikes were about 6 inches long and could be used with deadly result when thrown at an opponent or just held in wildly flailing fists.  Times have changed, but tradition preserved the tools of combat in the name "Bar" and the reliance on number 2 pencils.

So, when you're feeling overwhelmed or isolated or afraid of what the Bar has in store for you, relax and try to appreciate the fact that you will not have to fight the strange, strong smelling immigrants that were hired for the "multiples".  You will also not have to survive snake bites (oh, the essay portion was also plety unpleasant).

PROFESSOR HOLLYFELD MAKES THIS OATH:  

1. If you read this garbage, he will will keep writing it, because he knows that it's nice to feel like a fellow traveler shares your burden.
2. You are not alone, Chum.  Given the population density, this is basic math. 
3. Even if you fail the Bar, you are not going to be beaten so badly that all you remember is the glint of an opponents cudgel and the strong smell of garlic.
4. We'll pop corks on the 26th.

Also, please send in some goddamn topic ideas.  Nobody knows what you people want.  Jesus.

Final Exam Strategies THAT WORK

Spring is here!  Now ignore it.

Heellllooo Chums!  Ahhh, the benediction of spring!  Hopefully you have been enjoying floral breezes and sunny days.  Or perhaps you have felt the scourge of hay fever and are a wheezy, red-eyed mess that belongs behind closed doors and away from easily frightened children and skittish animals.  Either way, it's time to snap out of your reverie and into exam mode.  That's right, it's finals time!  Here are some tips to help you snap into it!

1. GROUP(S) WORK:  Studying with a group might not work with anyone, but it's a great way to stay social during finals and share information you might have missed while Facebook-stalking that girl/guy who sits in front of you in Commercial Paper.
2. SELF MANAGEMENT:  Your schedule may be hectic, but that doesn't mean skipping meals or simply stretching your legs.  Be good to yourself!  Don't start sniffing glue though, no matter how many tubes you've stock-piled.  Just like masturbation and Quakerism, remember that just because it makes you feel good doesn't mean it is good. 
3. REAL ESTATE CRISIS:  Find a location that works for you and study there every day.  No one ever kept a study-room by simply rolling over and letting "library policy" dictate who got to use it.  Nope, they squatted there and refused to let anyone in.  So keep that cap turned backwards, dig in your heels, and stay put.
4. EVERYONE NEEDS HELP:  Speaking of staying put, don't be afraid to use a little over-the-counter help to keep you centered.  Advil, Red Bull, or Locktite super glue are great.  Remember to bring a bag if you chose to use the glue, because it can get you in a sticky situation!  Just kidding, don't use the glue.  Or the Red Bull.
5. DISREGARD 4:  Actually, sniff that glue.  Sniff it real deep.  It's like pulling a blanket of stars over your head as you get ready to nap in space.
6. DISREGARD THE LAST DISREGARD:  You can't sniff that fucking glue, no matter how GOOD IT FEELS AND MAKES YOU FORGET ABOUT ALL THE DEBT AND SELF LOATHING.
7. `rlkqFWB :DEG@~OGH134PEF
1. `PIEL'KWK;'
2. pm[x1,\
3. hide the used mlbag in a law review ffooffice

A Man With No Hair and a Man With Many Hairs Say Things About Law School

The Return of Professor Hollyfeld

 

The Professor is not running; his hip just healed this way

Greetings legal scholars!  Professor Hollyfeld has returned to this paperless type-writer after a lengthy sojourn at the bottom of a well to give you guidance in all things jurisprudential.  And his return could not come at a better time, as everything seems to have gone to flinders in his absence... READ MORE for exciting updates...

Too Much Blowing, Not Enough Blogging

Asshole.

Hello friends.  It has been a very long time since this blog has been updated.  "Why?" you may have asked.  Or "Who cares?"  Well, there are tons of reasons.  First, Professor Hollyfeld fell down a manhole in February, and we were only able to haul him out last week (thanks Kickstarter!).  Second, the goal of getting crazy laid for having excellent blog skillz was misguided.  Blogging, it turns out, doesn't even lead to getting regular laid.  Back to throwing out lines from NYT best-seller The Game to lonely shoppers at TJ Maxx on a Friday night.  

Anyway, pointless digressions and explanations aside, updating became slowed.  Good news though, Prof Hollyfeld will return in a few days, along with renewed postings as this blog burns its way towards complete obscurity.

OH - One last thing...

KNOCK THE FUCKING HORN OFF, BOSTON BREWIN' GUY.  SERIOUS.  IF YOU KEEP THIS SHIT UP DURING FINALS I'LL CALL THE DEPT OF HEALTH, BECAUSE A COFFEE SHOP THAT RELIES ON ATONAL TRUMPETING AS ITS PRIME MARKETING TOOL PROBABLY HAS SOME RAT SHIT IN THE GRINDS. 

Stop Being Gross

Feeling bored, listless, run-down?  Maybe you have a zinc dificiency.  Or maybe you're just gross.  A surefire test is to see if your sweatpants and the couch upholstery have fused together.  I used to know a guy who would smell of chili when he was towards the bottom of a downward spiral - and he hadn't been eating chili.  You need to get amped!  You need to get pumped!  You need a montage (which I initially misspelled as "moon rage", which is just as good).  Check it out!


   Get you some.

Dating Tips From The Professor Of Love

"After identifying the buttocks, thrust your hands out thusly.... "

Ahoy Chums, Professor Hollyfeld here. providing a welcome change from the dismal naval-gazing of this web log's jowly editor.  It has been many months since I've shared my specific brand of home truths with you (The Professor's Home Truths®), and from the looks on the slack-jawed faces I see around the Law Mill, many of you need my help.  Many of you also need to breathe with your mouths closed, but that is a conversation for another time.

Mrs Hollyfeld reminded me that in less than month from now, I will be obliged to perform my husbandly duties as demanded by St. Valentine.  Yet another example of the Papacy interfering with the the the realms of the secular!  Flock of collared ponces are best left to the analsecular, right chum?  

But I digress.  Soon the Mrs will be on her back, reeling from excessive amounts of Sherry and offending the cats with her upturned nightgown.  When will women learn that a true student of the law is not interested in spoils that are not won without the hunt?  So, as in years past, I will demand that Mrs Hollyfeld read contentious case law in order to inspire my cobwebbed loins.  I will then mount her, thrusting within the limited range of my brittle pelvis, while she brings me to climax with a well crafted explication of the necessity of abandoning the Case Method in legal pedagogy. 

I have not forgotten that many of you rare likely without the matrimonial support of someone as caring as Mrs Hollyfeld.  Here are some ideas to consider as rutting season approaches:

Gents:

1.  Wash, you filthy bastard.

2.  No slurping the soup while on a date!  The noise will only remind a potential partner of how horrifying cunnilingus will be.

3.  Get a hair cut young man.  A rear-wards cap is not an acceptable equivalent.

Ladies:

1.  Have a vagina.  Many men seem to enjoy this.  Those that don't are either gay or suffer from a crippling mental disturbance borne of an unfortunate childhood spelunking debacle.

Happy Saturday