Final Exam Strategies THAT WORK

Spring is here!  Now ignore it.

Heellllooo Chums!  Ahhh, the benediction of spring!  Hopefully you have been enjoying floral breezes and sunny days.  Or perhaps you have felt the scourge of hay fever and are a wheezy, red-eyed mess that belongs behind closed doors and away from easily frightened children and skittish animals.  Either way, it's time to snap out of your reverie and into exam mode.  That's right, it's finals time!  Here are some tips to help you snap into it!

1. GROUP(S) WORK:  Studying with a group might not work with anyone, but it's a great way to stay social during finals and share information you might have missed while Facebook-stalking that girl/guy who sits in front of you in Commercial Paper.
2. SELF MANAGEMENT:  Your schedule may be hectic, but that doesn't mean skipping meals or simply stretching your legs.  Be good to yourself!  Don't start sniffing glue though, no matter how many tubes you've stock-piled.  Just like masturbation and Quakerism, remember that just because it makes you feel good doesn't mean it is good. 
3. REAL ESTATE CRISIS:  Find a location that works for you and study there every day.  No one ever kept a study-room by simply rolling over and letting "library policy" dictate who got to use it.  Nope, they squatted there and refused to let anyone in.  So keep that cap turned backwards, dig in your heels, and stay put.
4. EVERYONE NEEDS HELP:  Speaking of staying put, don't be afraid to use a little over-the-counter help to keep you centered.  Advil, Red Bull, or Locktite super glue are great.  Remember to bring a bag if you chose to use the glue, because it can get you in a sticky situation!  Just kidding, don't use the glue.  Or the Red Bull.
5. DISREGARD 4:  Actually, sniff that glue.  Sniff it real deep.  It's like pulling a blanket of stars over your head as you get ready to nap in space.
6. DISREGARD THE LAST DISREGARD:  You can't sniff that fucking glue, no matter how GOOD IT FEELS AND MAKES YOU FORGET ABOUT ALL THE DEBT AND SELF LOATHING.
7. `rlkqFWB :DEG@~OGH134PEF
1. `PIEL'KWK;'
2. pm[x1,\
3. hide the used mlbag in a law review ffooffice

A Man With No Hair and a Man With Many Hairs Say Things About Law School

The Return of Professor Hollyfeld

 

The Professor is not running; his hip just healed this way

Greetings legal scholars!  Professor Hollyfeld has returned to this paperless type-writer after a lengthy sojourn at the bottom of a well to give you guidance in all things jurisprudential.  And his return could not come at a better time, as everything seems to have gone to flinders in his absence... READ MORE for exciting updates...

Too Much Blowing, Not Enough Blogging

Asshole.

Hello friends.  It has been a very long time since this blog has been updated.  "Why?" you may have asked.  Or "Who cares?"  Well, there are tons of reasons.  First, Professor Hollyfeld fell down a manhole in February, and we were only able to haul him out last week (thanks Kickstarter!).  Second, the goal of getting crazy laid for having excellent blog skillz was misguided.  Blogging, it turns out, doesn't even lead to getting regular laid.  Back to throwing out lines from NYT best-seller The Game to lonely shoppers at TJ Maxx on a Friday night.  

Anyway, pointless digressions and explanations aside, updating became slowed.  Good news though, Prof Hollyfeld will return in a few days, along with renewed postings as this blog burns its way towards complete obscurity.

OH - One last thing...

KNOCK THE FUCKING HORN OFF, BOSTON BREWIN' GUY.  SERIOUS.  IF YOU KEEP THIS SHIT UP DURING FINALS I'LL CALL THE DEPT OF HEALTH, BECAUSE A COFFEE SHOP THAT RELIES ON ATONAL TRUMPETING AS ITS PRIME MARKETING TOOL PROBABLY HAS SOME RAT SHIT IN THE GRINDS. 

Stop Being Gross

Feeling bored, listless, run-down?  Maybe you have a zinc dificiency.  Or maybe you're just gross.  A surefire test is to see if your sweatpants and the couch upholstery have fused together.  I used to know a guy who would smell of chili when he was towards the bottom of a downward spiral - and he hadn't been eating chili.  You need to get amped!  You need to get pumped!  You need a montage (which I initially misspelled as "moon rage", which is just as good).  Check it out!


   Get you some.

Dating Tips From The Professor Of Love

"After identifying the buttocks, thrust your hands out thusly.... "

Ahoy Chums, Professor Hollyfeld here. providing a welcome change from the dismal naval-gazing of this web log's jowly editor.  It has been many months since I've shared my specific brand of home truths with you (The Professor's Home Truths®), and from the looks on the slack-jawed faces I see around the Law Mill, many of you need my help.  Many of you also need to breathe with your mouths closed, but that is a conversation for another time.

Mrs Hollyfeld reminded me that in less than month from now, I will be obliged to perform my husbandly duties as demanded by St. Valentine.  Yet another example of the Papacy interfering with the the the realms of the secular!  Flock of collared ponces are best left to the analsecular, right chum?  

But I digress.  Soon the Mrs will be on her back, reeling from excessive amounts of Sherry and offending the cats with her upturned nightgown.  When will women learn that a true student of the law is not interested in spoils that are not won without the hunt?  So, as in years past, I will demand that Mrs Hollyfeld read contentious case law in order to inspire my cobwebbed loins.  I will then mount her, thrusting within the limited range of my brittle pelvis, while she brings me to climax with a well crafted explication of the necessity of abandoning the Case Method in legal pedagogy. 

I have not forgotten that many of you rare likely without the matrimonial support of someone as caring as Mrs Hollyfeld.  Here are some ideas to consider as rutting season approaches:

Gents:

1.  Wash, you filthy bastard.

2.  No slurping the soup while on a date!  The noise will only remind a potential partner of how horrifying cunnilingus will be.

3.  Get a hair cut young man.  A rear-wards cap is not an acceptable equivalent.

Ladies:

1.  Have a vagina.  Many men seem to enjoy this.  Those that don't are either gay or suffer from a crippling mental disturbance borne of an unfortunate childhood spelunking debacle.

Happy Saturday