Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The Return of Professor Hollyfeld

The Professor is not running; his hip just healed this way

Greetings legal scholars!  Professor Hollyfeld has returned to this paperless type-writer after a lengthy sojourn at the bottom of a well to give you guidance in all things jurisprudential.  And his return could not come at a better time, as everything seems to have gone to flinders in his absence... READ MORE for exciting updates...

On the topic of being at the bottom of the well:  Some may consider being trapped in a well overly burdensome, but rest assured that any time spent immobilized at the bottom of a 30' shaft in a few inches of stagnant water is incredibly restorative, especially for those in the Legal Profession.  Just wait,Young Reader, for your first year of document review for a mid-size firm that manages the affairs of a hedge fund or Ukrainian sex trafficking ring (both traditional employers of law firms in this redefined market); after a few months, you will long for the gestational embrace of an abandoned pit, especially if the Partners are given the own pits to wallow in.  As for the 90% of you who will not find such employment, consider forgotten oubliettes as viable locations to squat in whilst ducking creditors.

Corner office?  Who needs it?  Especially since there are no corners.

On recent developments in the Law School: Has anything changed?  Well, the obvious was the VERY GOOD NEWS that SULS has moved up the in US&NWR rankings to be RANKED.  Very well done, indeed.

SULS:  The Titans of Tier 4

Recent legal decisions you should be aware of:  Healthcare, of course!  Or Obamacare!  Or the Individual Mandate in the Healthcare Reform Law!  Or The Thing That Was Written To Make So Many People Upset. Whatever you want to call it - its constitutionality was argued last week.  If anything, it allowed Justice Scalia to do two of his favorite things:  antagonize counsel and demonstrate how out of touch he is.  What does this mean for you?  Well, not much.  Unless you become ill.  But you are young!  And strong!  And you can just pick up some insurance in case you find a lump or get hit by a bus.  Simple.  Do not concern yourself with the possibility of losing the protection the new law gives to people with preexisting conditions.  Even if that provision is lost, "gall bladder mashed by bumper" isn't preexisting.  Is it?  Perhaps Scalia knows the answer.  He used to know all the answers while playing stickball in the streets.  And back then, the streets were littered with horse carcasses.  Being able to answer things while hitting a rag ball with a broom handle showed incredible sagacity, not to mention a rare talent for avoiding horse gore.

Master of Law and Offensive Hand Gestures

That is all for now, chums.  Remember to share this electronic dispatch with colleagues, peers, and those you wish to alienate.  See you NEXT TIME!

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