Oh, it could be worse!

There are few things practicing attorneys enjoy doing more than recounting how horrific and grueling their preparation for the Bar exam(s) was.  They will tell stories of 10 hour sessions and long, sleepless nights filled with the mysteries of Antitrust.  They tell these stories with a kind of world-weariness that you'd expect from someone that had been in Iraq for many tours, rather than in a library or class room for 10 weeks.  If you know a lawyer (or, God forbid are one) who claims that the bar was hard, give them a good scoffing.  Roll your eyes and bloke smoke from your cigarillo into their face.  Because friends, it used to be worse.

When Professor Hollyfeld took the bar, it was a much different beast than the one today's gormless youth is asked to complete.  Back then, "multiple choice" meant picking a series of doors, behind which a test taker (Testakor) would encounter four strong men, one of whom he would then have to fight.  The term "Bar" came from the long iron cudgel that each Testakor was given in order to dispatch foes.  Later, after hungry dogs and feral cats were added, small darts were given.  These spikes were about 6 inches long and could be used with deadly result when thrown at an opponent or just held in wildly flailing fists.  Times have changed, but tradition preserved the tools of combat in the name "Bar" and the reliance on number 2 pencils.

So, when you're feeling overwhelmed or isolated or afraid of what the Bar has in store for you, relax and try to appreciate the fact that you will not have to fight the strange, strong smelling immigrants that were hired for the "multiples".  You will also not have to survive snake bites (oh, the essay portion was also plety unpleasant).

PROFESSOR HOLLYFELD MAKES THIS OATH:  

1. If you read this garbage, he will will keep writing it, because he knows that it's nice to feel like a fellow traveler shares your burden.
2. You are not alone, Chum.  Given the population density, this is basic math. 
3. Even if you fail the Bar, you are not going to be beaten so badly that all you remember is the glint of an opponents cudgel and the strong smell of garlic.
4. We'll pop corks on the 26th.

Also, please send in some goddamn topic ideas.  Nobody knows what you people want.  Jesus.

A Man With No Hair and a Man With Many Hairs Say Things About Law School

The Return of Professor Hollyfeld

 

The Professor is not running; his hip just healed this way

Greetings legal scholars!  Professor Hollyfeld has returned to this paperless type-writer after a lengthy sojourn at the bottom of a well to give you guidance in all things jurisprudential.  And his return could not come at a better time, as everything seems to have gone to flinders in his absence... READ MORE for exciting updates...

Too Much Blowing, Not Enough Blogging

Asshole.

Hello friends.  It has been a very long time since this blog has been updated.  "Why?" you may have asked.  Or "Who cares?"  Well, there are tons of reasons.  First, Professor Hollyfeld fell down a manhole in February, and we were only able to haul him out last week (thanks Kickstarter!).  Second, the goal of getting crazy laid for having excellent blog skillz was misguided.  Blogging, it turns out, doesn't even lead to getting regular laid.  Back to throwing out lines from NYT best-seller The Game to lonely shoppers at TJ Maxx on a Friday night.  

Anyway, pointless digressions and explanations aside, updating became slowed.  Good news though, Prof Hollyfeld will return in a few days, along with renewed postings as this blog burns its way towards complete obscurity.

OH - One last thing...

KNOCK THE FUCKING HORN OFF, BOSTON BREWIN' GUY.  SERIOUS.  IF YOU KEEP THIS SHIT UP DURING FINALS I'LL CALL THE DEPT OF HEALTH, BECAUSE A COFFEE SHOP THAT RELIES ON ATONAL TRUMPETING AS ITS PRIME MARKETING TOOL PROBABLY HAS SOME RAT SHIT IN THE GRINDS. 

Stop Being Gross

Feeling bored, listless, run-down?  Maybe you have a zinc dificiency.  Or maybe you're just gross.  A surefire test is to see if your sweatpants and the couch upholstery have fused together.  I used to know a guy who would smell of chili when he was towards the bottom of a downward spiral - and he hadn't been eating chili.  You need to get amped!  You need to get pumped!  You need a montage (which I initially misspelled as "moon rage", which is just as good).  Check it out!


   Get you some.

Dating Tips From The Professor Of Love

"After identifying the buttocks, thrust your hands out thusly.... "

Ahoy Chums, Professor Hollyfeld here. providing a welcome change from the dismal naval-gazing of this web log's jowly editor.  It has been many months since I've shared my specific brand of home truths with you (The Professor's Home Truths®), and from the looks on the slack-jawed faces I see around the Law Mill, many of you need my help.  Many of you also need to breathe with your mouths closed, but that is a conversation for another time.

Mrs Hollyfeld reminded me that in less than month from now, I will be obliged to perform my husbandly duties as demanded by St. Valentine.  Yet another example of the Papacy interfering with the the the realms of the secular!  Flock of collared ponces are best left to the analsecular, right chum?  

But I digress.  Soon the Mrs will be on her back, reeling from excessive amounts of Sherry and offending the cats with her upturned nightgown.  When will women learn that a true student of the law is not interested in spoils that are not won without the hunt?  So, as in years past, I will demand that Mrs Hollyfeld read contentious case law in order to inspire my cobwebbed loins.  I will then mount her, thrusting within the limited range of my brittle pelvis, while she brings me to climax with a well crafted explication of the necessity of abandoning the Case Method in legal pedagogy. 

I have not forgotten that many of you rare likely without the matrimonial support of someone as caring as Mrs Hollyfeld.  Here are some ideas to consider as rutting season approaches:

Gents:

1.  Wash, you filthy bastard.

2.  No slurping the soup while on a date!  The noise will only remind a potential partner of how horrifying cunnilingus will be.

3.  Get a hair cut young man.  A rear-wards cap is not an acceptable equivalent.

Ladies:

1.  Have a vagina.  Many men seem to enjoy this.  Those that don't are either gay or suffer from a crippling mental disturbance borne of an unfortunate childhood spelunking debacle.

Happy Saturday