Saturday, May 26, 2012

Oh, it could be worse!



There are few things practicing attorneys enjoy doing more than recounting how horrific and grueling their preparation for the Bar exam(s) was.  They will tell stories of 10 hour sessions and long, sleepless nights filled with the mysteries of Antitrust.  They tell these stories with a kind of world-weariness that you'd expect from someone that had been in Iraq for many tours, rather than in a library or class room for 10 weeks.  If you know a lawyer (or, God forbid are one) who claims that the bar was hard, give them a good scoffing.  Roll your eyes and bloke smoke from your cigarillo into their face.  Because friends, it used to be worse.

When Professor Hollyfeld took the bar, it was a much different beast than the one today's gormless youth is asked to complete.  Back then, "multiple choice" meant picking a series of doors, behind which a test taker (Testakor) would encounter four strong men, one of whom he would then have to fight.  The term "Bar" came from the long iron cudgel that each Testakor was given in order to dispatch foes.  Later, after hungry dogs and feral cats were added, small darts were given.  These spikes were about 6 inches long and could be used with deadly result when thrown at an opponent or just held in wildly flailing fists.  Times have changed, but tradition preserved the tools of combat in the name "Bar" and the reliance on number 2 pencils.

So, when you're feeling overwhelmed or isolated or afraid of what the Bar has in store for you, relax and try to appreciate the fact that you will not have to fight the strange, strong smelling immigrants that were hired for the "multiples".  You will also not have to survive snake bites (oh, the essay portion was also plety unpleasant).

PROFESSOR HOLLYFELD MAKES THIS OATH:  

  1. If you read this garbage, he will will keep writing it, because he knows that it's nice to feel like a fellow traveler shares your burden.
  2. You are not alone, Chum.  Given the population density, this is basic math. 
  3. Even if you fail the Bar, you are not going to be beaten so badly that all you remember is the glint of an opponents cudgel and the strong smell of garlic.
  4. We'll pop corks on the 26th.
Also, please send in some goddamn topic ideas.  Nobody knows what you people want.  Jesus.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Final Exam Strategies THAT WORK

Spring is here!  Now ignore it.


Heellllooo Chums!  Ahhh, the benediction of spring!  Hopefully you have been enjoying floral breezes and sunny days.  Or perhaps you have felt the scourge of hay fever and are a wheezy, red-eyed mess that belongs behind closed doors and away from easily frightened children and skittish animals.  Either way, it's time to snap out of your reverie and into exam mode.  That's right, it's finals time!  Here are some tips to help you snap into it!

  1. GROUP(S) WORK:  Studying with a group might not work with anyone, but it's a great way to stay social during finals and share information you might have missed while Facebook-stalking that girl/guy who sits in front of you in Commercial Paper.
  2. SELF MANAGEMENT:  Your schedule may be hectic, but that doesn't mean skipping meals or simply stretching your legs.  Be good to yourself!  Don't start sniffing glue though, no matter how many tubes you've stock-piled.  Just like masturbation and Quakerism, remember that just because it makes you feel good doesn't mean it is good. 
  3. REAL ESTATE CRISIS:  Find a location that works for you and study there every day.  No one ever kept a study-room by simply rolling over and letting "library policy" dictate who got to use it.  Nope, they squatted there and refused to let anyone in.  So keep that cap turned backwards, dig in your heels, and stay put.
  4. EVERYONE NEEDS HELP:  Speaking of staying put, don't be afraid to use a little over-the-counter help to keep you centered.  Advil, Red Bull, or Locktite super glue are great.  Remember to bring a bag if you chose to use the glue, because it can get you in a sticky situation!  Just kidding, don't use the glue.  Or the Red Bull.
  5. DISREGARD 4:  Actually, sniff that glue.  Sniff it real deep.  It's like pulling a blanket of stars over your head as you get ready to nap in space.
  6. DISREGARD THE LAST DISREGARD:  You can't sniff that fucking glue, no matter how GOOD IT FEELS AND MAKES YOU FORGET ABOUT ALL THE DEBT AND SELF LOATHING.
  7. `rlkqFWB :DEG@~OGH134PEF
    1. `PIEL'KWK;'
    2. pm[x1,\
    3. hide the used mlbag in a law review ffooffice

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The Return of Professor Hollyfeld

 
The Professor is not running; his hip just healed this way




Greetings legal scholars!  Professor Hollyfeld has returned to this paperless type-writer after a lengthy sojourn at the bottom of a well to give you guidance in all things jurisprudential.  And his return could not come at a better time, as everything seems to have gone to flinders in his absence... READ MORE for exciting updates...

Monday, April 2, 2012

Too Much Blowing, Not Enough Blogging

Asshole.

Hello friends.  It has been a very long time since this blog has been updated.  "Why?" you may have asked.  Or "Who cares?"  Well, there are tons of reasons.  First, Professor Hollyfeld fell down a manhole in February, and we were only able to haul him out last week (thanks Kickstarter!).  Second, the goal of getting crazy laid for having excellent blog skillz was misguided.  Blogging, it turns out, doesn't even lead to getting regular laid.  Back to throwing out lines from NYT best-seller The Game to lonely shoppers at TJ Maxx on a Friday night.  

Anyway, pointless digressions and explanations aside, updating became slowed.  Good news though, Prof Hollyfeld will return in a few days, along with renewed postings as this blog burns its way towards complete obscurity.

OH - One last thing...

KNOCK THE FUCKING HORN OFF, BOSTON BREWIN' GUY.  SERIOUS.  IF YOU KEEP THIS SHIT UP DURING FINALS I'LL CALL THE DEPT OF HEALTH, BECAUSE A COFFEE SHOP THAT RELIES ON ATONAL TRUMPETING AS ITS PRIME MARKETING TOOL PROBABLY HAS SOME RAT SHIT IN THE GRINDS. 

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Stop Being Gross

Feeling bored, listless, run-down?  Maybe you have a zinc dificiency.  Or maybe you're just gross.  A surefire test is to see if your sweatpants and the couch upholstery have fused together.  I used to know a guy who would smell of chili when he was towards the bottom of a downward spiral - and he hadn't been eating chili.  You need to get amped!  You need to get pumped!  You need a montage (which I initially misspelled as "moon rage", which is just as good).  Check it out!


   Get you some.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Dating Tips From The Professor Of Love

"After identifying the buttocks, thrust your hands out thusly.... "

Ahoy Chums, Professor Hollyfeld here. providing a welcome change from the dismal naval-gazing of this web log's jowly editor.  It has been many months since I've shared my specific brand of home truths with you (The Professor's Home Truths®), and from the looks on the slack-jawed faces I see around the Law Mill, many of you need my help.  Many of you also need to breathe with your mouths closed, but that is a conversation for another time.

Mrs Hollyfeld reminded me that in less than month from now, I will be obliged to perform my husbandly duties as demanded by St. Valentine.  Yet another example of the Papacy interfering with the the the realms of the secular!  Flock of collared ponces are best left to the analsecular, right chum?  

But I digress.  Soon the Mrs will be on her back, reeling from excessive amounts of Sherry and offending the cats with her upturned nightgown.  When will women learn that a true student of the law is not interested in spoils that are not won without the hunt?  So, as in years past, I will demand that Mrs Hollyfeld read contentious case law in order to inspire my cobwebbed loins.  I will then mount her, thrusting within the limited range of my brittle pelvis, while she brings me to climax with a well crafted explication of the necessity of abandoning the Case Method in legal pedagogy. 

I have not forgotten that many of you rare likely without the matrimonial support of someone as caring as Mrs Hollyfeld.  Here are some ideas to consider as rutting season approaches:

Gents:
1.  Wash, you filthy bastard.
2.  No slurping the soup while on a date!  The noise will only remind a potential partner of how horrifying cunnilingus will be.
3.  Get a hair cut young man.  A rear-wards cap is not an acceptable equivalent.

Ladies:
1.  Have a vagina.  Many men seem to enjoy this.  Those that don't are either gay or suffer from a crippling mental disturbance borne of an unfortunate childhood spelunking debacle.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Happy Saturday

Shop Talk

The Delightful Maria Bamford:  Go listen to this interview with her, because she's swell.
As many readers know, this blog has a few functions:  to warn readers about the dangers of chimps (and the chimp-like), distract students from the horrors associated with law school, and to periodically criticize TWBLSOTS (The World's Best Law School On Tremont Street).  Above The Law linked a kind of sad/funny by the author of Constitutional Daily, an NYU JD and current Big Law refugee.  In it, he recounts his inability to find work at a Target.

This is something that a lot of people, not just freshly minted lawyers, have to consider at one point or another:  where will we work if we can't work where we want?  It makes no sense to harp on the lack of legal jobs.  Anyone currently enrolled in a JD program knew that there were no jobs before they briefed Pierson v Post or had some embarrassing 1L hookup following a "Trivia n' Binge Drinking" event at the local Skeeter O'Nanist's or a duck boat or something.  And when you go to a law school  listed in US News as being in the  "Dantean" Tier, well... expect some disappointment when you apply to Big Law.  With that said, there's a lesson to be learned in the anecdote of retail rejection.  Like in many other areas in both life and the Law, it is absolutely essential to avoid being a dick.

While the gradient between asshole/not asshole is distinctively grey, there's a way to gain a little perspective, and it can be found by toiling in the service industry.  I'm not saying that being a shop girl or bartender will make you wiser.  On the contrary, too many hours spent learning how to properly fold sweaters or mix Jager bombs can lead to a particular variety of jaded dickishness that even the most slim-jegginged Hipsters are incapable of projecting.  But waiting on people can be enlightening - once you've been screamed at for being unable to process a gift card or locate an appropriately khaki enough pair of chinos, you'll hopefully learn how not to treat people if you want to make friends in the world (or, at the very least, avoid too much spit in your food).

Then again, considering how TWBLSOTS approaches ethics and integrity, you might just get into the habit of spitting in your food before the waiter gets a chance so you can be as obnoxious as you want.  Follow your own star.

Friday, January 20, 2012

I feel like I need some new furniture now.

Snowpocalypse REDUX


Yikes!  Saturday promises a day of weather that the region has't seen in about a year or so!  Fire and brimstone is forecast to fall from the sky, although it will take the form of snow, because fire and brimstone are elusive that way.  But what does this mean for law students?  Well, other than rationalizing staying in your pajamas until 4, not much.  That said, I would recommend that you try to get to the library.  Saturday mornings are maybe the few times when the stacks are peaceful and people aren't hacking up lungs or freaking out about where the pocket parts opinions are.  You can also avoid the howling winds and deceptive snowbanks, which are bound to contain creatures such as...



THE RABID NEW ENGLAND SNOW MACAQUE

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Ineluctable Irrationality of the Imbecile

"Oh man, I rode that goddamn horse for this?"


So, as many of you may know, I am not having the best of times with the admins at 'ol Suffolk.  Here, for your viewing pleasure, is the thing that's so chapped their asses:


This stamp, long kept secret and under lock and key, is for the first time anywhere being revealed... NOW, on Legal Diversions!  Okay, so maybe Arial 12 Font isn't much of a distinctive "stamp", but this thing carries a lot of weight.  And faking it?  Just like forging the President's signature on an order to start murdering children.  People will believe it and GO NUTS.  Students won't know what to do!!!  They'll believe that the text that accompanies the stamp is the law of the land and bedlam will ensue.  And what exactly was this evil, dangerous sign compelling innocent students to do?  Meth?  Sexing?  Methsexing?  Let's take a look (after a leap!)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Big Time Movie Capsule Review

So some of the recent posts have been kind of a bummer.   I apologize for that.  The whole point of this blog was to help students forget who magnificently unpleasant law school can be.  With that in mind, here are some movie reviews to aid in finding fun ways to spend your valuable free time.  Enjoy!

We Bought a Zoo
Starring:  Matt Damon, Scarlett Johansson

Synopsis:  So, Matt Damon's wife dies and he realizes that he is going to have his work cut out for him cheering up his children.  He's constantly biting his tongue to keep from saying "Mom's dead" and blaming them for her fiery demise.  And just like every other new single dad, he's learning what a handful kids can be!  So he buys a zoo to keep them occupied, and also because it comes with Scarlet Johannson.  All goes well until an ape with intelligence in his eyes becomes self aware and starts ripping faces and genitals.



Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Starring:  Gary Oldman, Colin Firth, Tom Hardy

Synopsis: Judging by the sheer amount of three-piece suitery and effeminate English leading men, there will probably not be any awesome parkour knife fights like those found in the "Bourne" franchise, starring Matt Damon, who is on the movie reviewed above.  There will,  however, be the same amount of genital gouging.


War Horse
Starring: Jeremy Irvine, A Horse, Emma Watson

Synopsis:  A boy and his big horse jump in and out of trenches while sticking it to the Boche.  Oh la la, sounds dirty!  But really, only in the muddy, trench foot sense, not in the sexy Parisian whorehouse "but dear I left Bristol with these bumps" way. This movie is all about coming of age and learning to cope with hard truths, such as the twin injustices of the antiquated English class system and the belt fed, water-jacketed MG08 and it's many uncaring bullets.  I really wish this movie was about a horse that made wars.



The Iron Lady
Starring: Meryl Streep, Jim Broadbent

Pretty much just like The Iron Man, except she probably shoots beams out of her boobs or something.  I'm going to wait for The Avengers, if only to see how Iron Man, Iron Lady, Thor, Captain America, and Anthony Eden respond to Loki's quest for Ragnarok.




The Devil Inside
Starring:  Fernanda Andrade, Simon Quarterman, The Devil

I went out once with a girl who had a tattoo on the inside of her lip.  I think it said Utah.  She had a pet rabbit and her dad was transgender.  Also, in case you didn't figure it out, she was from Utah.  We went on one date, after which she never called me back or responded to my emails.  She did give me a hug at the end, so I guess she was completely grossed out by me.  Just mostly.  I probably came across as needy, as I am needy.  Or maybe she just didn't like that I had the devil inside.  Ha!  Oh man, that was a long way to go for not much a pay off.


Okay, that's it.  I'm going to go back to questioning a lot of my choices.

Wrath of the Deans II: No Laughing Matter


Ahhh, a brand new semester!  There's nothing like challenging new ideas, rigorous study, and a mandatory ID check at the front door of the school to inspire young minds to shoot for the stars.  Stars like Prima Centauri, not Delta Pavonis, because we can't forget about the dummies.  Don't reach too far, dummies!  Your crushing loan debt is as valuable as anyone else's crushing loan debt.

So, as some may know, I am in the process of being disciplined for criticizing the law school's post-grad employment reporting errrr, wait, questioning the disparity between the money the faculty makes (not much) versus what the administrators make (much more than not much) wait, oh shit... suggesting that the law school wants students to ignore important issues related to their professional lives in favor of a degree that makes hiring partners in Big Law chuckle, then sigh, then move on to the next resume ... oh I remember... I'm facing a disciplinary panel and potential expulsion for FAKING A STAMP.  You know, one of the top secret sigil stamps that the Dean of Students keeps secreted in a special vault in the esoteric magicks archive of the library.  It's use bestows a rare and unbreakable enchantment on what would otherwise be innocuous an pieces of paper - it allows them to hang on bulletin boards and to be displayed in the halls for a certain period of time!!!! Are you getting chills, the kind that make you want to flail a fragrant rule-breaker?  How about if I tell you it was done in conjunction with a class project (see video below) for comic effect?  Do you hear the thunder crashing all around you, drowning out what you just heard???  Of course not, because you're not an idiot.  If you're into behavior that smacks of idiocy (and not just my own), read on...

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Fun With Film!

video

In case you were wondering, all of the signs and artfully forged stamps that I put up was for a class.  I was trying to show how an administration, be it a large government or small academic institution, can be made to respond to issues importan to the community they serve.  I guess I forgot that politicians are elected and administrators just sort of linger.  In a way, it's like paying money to go to a shitty health club.  You hang out, maybe get in better shape, maybe not, and the managers will ignore just about everyone until someone stars shitting in the showers.  Huh.  Even after explaining this to a couple of very charming inquisitors, I have a feeling they still don't get it.

This isn't mentioned in this version of the video, but it's dedicated to my friend Kevin Marshall, who would have enjoyed this.