Starring: Matt Damon, Scarlett Johansson
Synopsis: So, Matt Damon's wife dies and he realizes that he is going to have his work cut out for him cheering up his children. He's constantly biting his tongue to keep from saying "Mom's dead" and blaming them for her fiery demise. And just like every other new single dad, he's learning what a handful kids can be! So he buys a zoo to keep them occupied, and also because it comes with Scarlet Johannson. All goes well until an ape with intelligence in his eyes becomes self aware and starts ripping faces and genitals.
Starring: Gary Oldman, Colin Firth, Tom Hardy
Synopsis: Judging by the sheer amount of three-piece suitery and effeminate English leading men, there will probably not be any awesome parkour knife fights like those found in the "Bourne" franchise, starring Matt Damon, who is on the movie reviewed above. There will, however, be the same amount of genital gouging.
Starring: Jeremy Irvine, A Horse, Emma Watson
Synopsis: A boy and his big horse jump in and out of trenches while sticking it to the Boche. Oh la la, sounds dirty! But really, only in the muddy, trench foot sense, not in the sexy Parisian whorehouse "but dear I left Bristol with these bumps" way. This movie is all about coming of age and learning to cope with hard truths, such as the twin injustices of the antiquated English class system and the belt fed, water-jacketed MG08 and it's many uncaring bullets. I really wish this movie was about a horse that made wars.
Starring: Meryl Streep, Jim Broadbent
Pretty much just like The Iron Man, except she probably shoots beams out of her boobs or something. I'm going to wait for The Avengers, if only to see how Iron Man, Iron Lady, Thor, Captain America, and Anthony Eden respond to Loki's quest for Ragnarok.
Starring: Fernanda Andrade, Simon Quarterman, The Devil
I went out once with a girl who had a tattoo on the inside of her lip. I think it said Utah. She had a pet rabbit and her dad was transgender. Also, in case you didn't figure it out, she was from Utah. We went on one date, after which she never called me back or responded to my emails. She did give me a hug at the end, so I guess she was completely grossed out by me. Just mostly. I probably came across as needy, as I am needy. Or maybe she just didn't like that I had the devil inside. Ha! Oh man, that was a long way to go for not much a pay off.
Okay, that's it. I'm going to go back to questioning a lot of my choices.
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