Lots of Agony, Not So Much Ecstacy

 If you're studying for the bar, chances are you're feeling a little overwhelmed.  This is a typical response to the stress that comes from realizing you have a few months to learn all of the stuff you missed during law school, like which covenants run with the land or all of criminal procedure.  Here are some handy tips:

1. This too shall pass!  Which means your tribulations will end sooner than you think!  Probably as you're being carted off to a cell at a place where scissor handling is strictly monitored.
2. Look at that ship!  It just keeps going.  Blaragahgahaghgaghghghhhh.  Fun. Tell your friends that this is what it feels like every time you go to a review session.
3. Do you still have friends?  Give that some time.
4. A nice crying jag is a great way to keep people from crowding you on public transportation.
5. If you pass this goddamn thing, you're going to have to actually practice law.  Ugh.

Oh this is fun!  Somebody tell me what subject BarBri is on.  I just want to know how Paula Francese is doing.

Returning From the Depths

Greetings, friends!  Like the many-armed kraken who slumbers in the crushing depths waiting to awaken and signal the End of Days or shill for a mid-range spiced rum, this blog has resurfaced.  Why?  Good question.  It may have something to do with how your faithful editor is experiencing post-law school: by being unemployed.  Or it could be that energies are being marshaled to assist a new batch of prospective attorneys waste time when they're not confronting the mythologically harrowing scourge that is the Bar.  Perhaps this is a False Flag (in case you haven't heard, everything is a False Flag).  Competing theories abound, perpetuated by nobody really.

Anyway, we're back for a while to help you avoid doing something more meaningful, like learning that Adverse Possession statute or representing indigent clients or quietly weeping as yet another resume goes into the electronic ether to be ignored by doc reviewer staffers and firms looking for paralegals (I'm a lawyer!  I can file!).

Prepare for links that have been covered by better blogs, unearned punchlines in the form of animated .gifs, and rants that are more or less pro forma for the unemployed.  Sit in the corner, put your headphones on, and act interested.

Oh, it could be worse!

There are few things practicing attorneys enjoy doing more than recounting how horrific and grueling their preparation for the Bar exam(s) was.  They will tell stories of 10 hour sessions and long, sleepless nights filled with the mysteries of Antitrust.  They tell these stories with a kind of world-weariness that you'd expect from someone that had been in Iraq for many tours, rather than in a library or class room for 10 weeks.  If you know a lawyer (or, God forbid are one) who claims that the bar was hard, give them a good scoffing.  Roll your eyes and bloke smoke from your cigarillo into their face.  Because friends, it used to be worse.

When Professor Hollyfeld took the bar, it was a much different beast than the one today's gormless youth is asked to complete.  Back then, "multiple choice" meant picking a series of doors, behind which a test taker (Testakor) would encounter four strong men, one of whom he would then have to fight.  The term "Bar" came from the long iron cudgel that each Testakor was given in order to dispatch foes.  Later, after hungry dogs and feral cats were added, small darts were given.  These spikes were about 6 inches long and could be used with deadly result when thrown at an opponent or just held in wildly flailing fists.  Times have changed, but tradition preserved the tools of combat in the name "Bar" and the reliance on number 2 pencils.

So, when you're feeling overwhelmed or isolated or afraid of what the Bar has in store for you, relax and try to appreciate the fact that you will not have to fight the strange, strong smelling immigrants that were hired for the "multiples".  You will also not have to survive snake bites (oh, the essay portion was also plety unpleasant).

PROFESSOR HOLLYFELD MAKES THIS OATH:  

1. If you read this garbage, he will will keep writing it, because he knows that it's nice to feel like a fellow traveler shares your burden.
2. You are not alone, Chum.  Given the population density, this is basic math. 
3. Even if you fail the Bar, you are not going to be beaten so badly that all you remember is the glint of an opponents cudgel and the strong smell of garlic.
4. We'll pop corks on the 26th.

Also, please send in some goddamn topic ideas.  Nobody knows what you people want.  Jesus.

Final Exam Strategies THAT WORK

Spring is here!  Now ignore it.

Heellllooo Chums!  Ahhh, the benediction of spring!  Hopefully you have been enjoying floral breezes and sunny days.  Or perhaps you have felt the scourge of hay fever and are a wheezy, red-eyed mess that belongs behind closed doors and away from easily frightened children and skittish animals.  Either way, it's time to snap out of your reverie and into exam mode.  That's right, it's finals time!  Here are some tips to help you snap into it!

1. GROUP(S) WORK:  Studying with a group might not work with anyone, but it's a great way to stay social during finals and share information you might have missed while Facebook-stalking that girl/guy who sits in front of you in Commercial Paper.
2. SELF MANAGEMENT:  Your schedule may be hectic, but that doesn't mean skipping meals or simply stretching your legs.  Be good to yourself!  Don't start sniffing glue though, no matter how many tubes you've stock-piled.  Just like masturbation and Quakerism, remember that just because it makes you feel good doesn't mean it is good. 
3. REAL ESTATE CRISIS:  Find a location that works for you and study there every day.  No one ever kept a study-room by simply rolling over and letting "library policy" dictate who got to use it.  Nope, they squatted there and refused to let anyone in.  So keep that cap turned backwards, dig in your heels, and stay put.
4. EVERYONE NEEDS HELP:  Speaking of staying put, don't be afraid to use a little over-the-counter help to keep you centered.  Advil, Red Bull, or Locktite super glue are great.  Remember to bring a bag if you chose to use the glue, because it can get you in a sticky situation!  Just kidding, don't use the glue.  Or the Red Bull.
5. DISREGARD 4:  Actually, sniff that glue.  Sniff it real deep.  It's like pulling a blanket of stars over your head as you get ready to nap in space.
6. DISREGARD THE LAST DISREGARD:  You can't sniff that fucking glue, no matter how GOOD IT FEELS AND MAKES YOU FORGET ABOUT ALL THE DEBT AND SELF LOATHING.
7. `rlkqFWB :DEG@~OGH134PEF
1. `PIEL'KWK;'
2. pm[x1,\
3. hide the used mlbag in a law review ffooffice

A Man With No Hair and a Man With Many Hairs Say Things About Law School

The Return of Professor Hollyfeld

 

The Professor is not running; his hip just healed this way

Greetings legal scholars!  Professor Hollyfeld has returned to this paperless type-writer after a lengthy sojourn at the bottom of a well to give you guidance in all things jurisprudential.  And his return could not come at a better time, as everything seems to have gone to flinders in his absence... READ MORE for exciting updates...

Too Much Blowing, Not Enough Blogging

Asshole.

Hello friends.  It has been a very long time since this blog has been updated.  "Why?" you may have asked.  Or "Who cares?"  Well, there are tons of reasons.  First, Professor Hollyfeld fell down a manhole in February, and we were only able to haul him out last week (thanks Kickstarter!).  Second, the goal of getting crazy laid for having excellent blog skillz was misguided.  Blogging, it turns out, doesn't even lead to getting regular laid.  Back to throwing out lines from NYT best-seller The Game to lonely shoppers at TJ Maxx on a Friday night.  

Anyway, pointless digressions and explanations aside, updating became slowed.  Good news though, Prof Hollyfeld will return in a few days, along with renewed postings as this blog burns its way towards complete obscurity.

OH - One last thing...

KNOCK THE FUCKING HORN OFF, BOSTON BREWIN' GUY.  SERIOUS.  IF YOU KEEP THIS SHIT UP DURING FINALS I'LL CALL THE DEPT OF HEALTH, BECAUSE A COFFEE SHOP THAT RELIES ON ATONAL TRUMPETING AS ITS PRIME MARKETING TOOL PROBABLY HAS SOME RAT SHIT IN THE GRINDS.